I just watched the new Christmas advertised film “Family Switch” (2023) on Netflix, with a cast led by well known Hollywood stars Ed Helms and Jennifer Garner. Last year saw a big budget Holiday film, Spirited with Will Ferrell, Ryan Reynolds and Octavia Spencer do well and kinda fit into the popular modern Christmas movie season culture. Family Switch is about a family becoming more and more disconnected as two teenage kids grow older, and have a life-altering chance encounter with an astrological reader who apparently is also a Lyft driver driving some weird van or some shit. Can Family Switch make it back-to-back years of solid holiday flicks alongside Spirited? Hell no, and here’s my take:
PROS: Pretty clever reference by Bill Walker (Helms) early on with homage to “13 going on 30” in a scene with his co-star Garner. Also, Jess Walker (Garner) trying to not fart uncontrollably after consuming ice cream before her big corporate presentation was as close as I came to laughing during the duration of this movie---it reminded me of the “cover your farts” current trend on Tik Tok. Yep, a one-liner and farting were the two highlights for me.
CONS: I could write shit for days so let’s just get right into the meat and potatoes. Family Switch is as unoriginal, cliché, stupid, meaningless, lazy and cringe of a movie as it gets. The old switching of bodies between parents has been done time and time again--- 13 Going on 30, 17 Again, Freaky Friday, Like Father Like Son to name a few and look--- not being original would be fine if this wasn’t so poorly executed and written. It’s not cute, not funny, not charming---it’s pretty much not anything complimentary worthy. I didn’t laugh, I barely smiled and quite frankly I didn’t give a shit about what should’ve been the more heartwarming breakthrough moments of the film.
Most importantly, it’s not nearly fucking Christmasy enough. Sure, the opening scene with the Walkers is all about Christmas and the studio shelled out big bucks for plenty of Christmas songs on the soundtrack, and there’s a family performance singing a Christmas song at the big talent show---but apparently it’s only pretty much Christmas for the fucking Walkers because there’s barely any other holiday themed premises or even decorations anywhere else but their home. Not the school, not the streets, nothing. Hell, there’s not even a mention of Christmas for nearly half the movie after the first 5-10 minutes.
Also, after literal gorgeous weather throughout it’s suddenly snowing on Christmas morning---pretty ironic considering they LIVE IN FUCKING LOS ANGELES! To emphasize the snow, the U.S. National soccer scout shows up at the Walker house on Christmas morning, because what better shit does he going on Christmas morning than to show up unannounced and offer a national team roster spot to a girl (CC) who quite literally blew the biggest high school match of her career 48 or so hours earlier. I came really close to turning the TV off and not watching the last seven minutes when the scout apologized for getting there late because of the snow storm, which again they are in fucking Los Angeles, but I digress.
As for the soccer, the fact a professional broadcast team and stadium looked like 25,000 people were in attendance for a high school girls soccer match felt ridiculous, as did the high school bully (Hunter) of the Walker’s genius son, Wyatt, as did the revelation Bill Walker would’ve been in Maroon Five (or Maroon Six as he said) if he didn’t have a kid, because I suppose its unheard of for musicians to have children and balance a career in the music industry or something, JFC.
VERDICT/GRADE: The family catchphrase in this movie was “Walkers never quit.” Honestly, they should’ve thrown in the towel two to three scenes in because this shit’s fucking atrocious. From the mailing it in storylines, directing and cash grabs from Helms and Garner (can’t hate on them for that), this is about as bad as it gets. In other similar movies I felt some compassion and warmth for the characters, such as Garner in 13 Going on 30 or Matthew Perry (R.I.P.) in 17 Again, but I felt literally zero for anyone in this cast.
Lastly, if this took place storyline-wise in May or September it’d be bad enough, but the fact it attempts to make itself a Christmas movie is laughable. One of if not the biggest critiques and basis of judgment I have for any Christmas movie is the central theme feeling genuinely Christmasy, or if it’s just props and background noise. Family Switch is the latter and to make matters worse, it stinks. It fuckin’ stinks. It's right there with Ernest Saves Christmas as the worst Christmas movie ever in my book, and Family Switch may be THE worst. Grade: F
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